I've been debating over whether or not I should post this, because A) I don't want to seem like a whiner, and B) is it really anybody else's business? and C) does anybody else really want to know?
But oh, heck, I made this blog as more or less a journal that I just happen to invite other people to read. Kinda like the opposite of having one of those little locks and putting it under my mattress.
I'm finally out of Kaiser Permanente's icy, impersonal hand, and I went to my new doctor yesterday. Several things are slightly amiss: my blood pressure is high (and it's normally perfect), I have an irregular heartbeat (EKG revealed several additional beats in there), and my thyroid is perhaps working a little more than it ought. The doctor thinks maybe it's hyperthyroidism, which would explain the heart things, my struggles with weight even on a diet, my fatigue, and my anxiety.
It's strange, the timing of this appointment. I'm not so scared about my own health, just mystified. In fact, I feel so ungrateful for the body I've been given. I don't take care of it very well at all. Of course, my doctor thinks that with my schedule as it is, I'm doing a fairly decent job. But I know I neglect myself.
Most of you who read this know Jared and Skye and their current experience with cancer. The past few months I've reflected a lot about it.
The night before last I found out that one of my dear old friends (an ex-boyfriend, coincidentally) from BYU days has been diagnosed with Leukemia. He's only 23. He takes care of himself. He's full of life. He just started college in Hawaii. And now he's facing eight months of chemotherapy and hospital bills.
And I guess I'm kinda mad that someone whose body should be healthier than mine has been given such a horrible disease. And that someone who has a little baby should have it too. And what am I doing to take care of myself?
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Debating
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8 comments:
A) I don't want to seem like a whiner... did you whine? I don't see any drop of it.
B) is it really anybody else's business? it is now. :) I guess it might feel good to your friends that you have made their lives your business. I love when you get into my business. I'm sad if you don't.
C) does anybody else really want to know? Yep. And I want to hear more. What else? What other thoughts do you have that you edited out?
I want to hear the edited thoughts too. Thanks for sharing, Audrey. Do you know that people like me look at your blog EVERY day to see what you're up to? In a time of my life when the only "free time" I have comes in very short bursts of a few minutes at a time, blogs are a way for me to hold on to the tenuous threads of connection to my friends. The lack of physical time spent doesn’t diminish the feelings of love that I have for you and our other friends.
Remember how our goal was to become vulnerable through our performance art nights? I love that many of us have chosen to be vulnerable in our blogs and continue our tradition. I have certainly been enriched by the thoughts and feelings that you and others have made available. I wonder how many times I’ve read your blog or one of the others that I visit daily and been inspired or felt related or connected?
I’m sorry you’re not well right now but I’m glad that it was noticed before something went badly wrong. Please keep us posted.
Are you sure you don't mean "HYPO-thyroid"?
Yes, I'm sure I don't mean Hypo--
My thyroid, they suspect, is producing too much hormone, not too little (which is HYPO).
Interestingly, the "cure" for hyPERthyroidism is to drink this stuff that kills your thyroid and then take hormone replacements--so, essentially, making yourself HYPO.
Thank you, Emily and Paul, for your support. Sometimes I think I talk about health too much. Maybe it's just because there's a constant dialog in my own head, and I get sick of myself.
I've also noticed that we've turned our blogs into a forum of vulnerability--and I think what we have is uncommonly wonderful. Sometimes people look at me like I'm a nerd when they hear I have a blog and update it regularly, or think it's strange that I put such personal information on it. I just figure it helps keep me honest, and it's a way to keep in touch when in all probability I'd lose touch with many of you I "blog" with. Sadly.
Some edited thoughts:
Worrying about school, and getting caught up in all the little everyday things so I forget about the big everyday things makes me feel like a coward.
Why do *I* get to debate over which candles to buy when other people's houses are burning down? Why do *I* get to whine about spending an hour at the pharmacy when Chad has eight months of chemotherapy ahead of him? I'm selfish.
Hey Aud! As always, the narcissist in me enjoys seeing a reference to myself. :)
I feel like I should be saying some "wise" or "comforting" thing about how we are all strong in our moment of need or how the fit hits the shan for everyone at some point. But somehow it all seems so trite. I like your reflections. I'm glad you shared them. I think it would be inhuman to not think about stuff like this sometimes.
Darling Audrey
It seems you are feeling needless guilt but I understand how that works. Just because someone else out there may be suffering more in some way, doesnt negate your own trials.
Punishing yourself wont help anyone else. Sounds obvious doesnt it? Well im discovering that to many people (especially women) its not.
I love you girl
if it helps, you have permission to nurture and care for yourself.
Audrey, I am sorry you are experiencing some of these things. I know it won't make any of these things go away, but Jessica and I really want you two to come stay with us sometime for a weekend when you get caught up, or just be caught up and come. Bring that LARGE skunk with you too. Self-care involves letting others put you up for a weekend and pretending that you like it.
hey audrey, thanks for being human. feel better/destress a little so we can do this dinner thing, k?
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