Some things I need to say

One thing that changes when you have cancer and a toddler is that a lot of parenting rules get ignored.

I found the lump on July 31, 2015. Gideon was a year and a half old. Suddenly, I didn't care too much  about making sure he learned how to fall asleep in his own bed or ate at the table all the time. Every night, he falls asleep in my bed, snuggled up to me. If it makes me happy and it isn't damaging him, then I do it. He won't sleep in my bed forever and even though my sleep quality is a little bit worse because I wake up when he wiggles over to me, I love his snuggles. You know what else is bad for sleep quality? Cancer. And chemotherapy. I am all about cherishing every moment with him since I could have so easily died.

It is mid-May and I have no boobs. My hair is starting to grow back in. Darker, with a wave to it. My fingertips and nails are still cracked and disfigured. My eyebrows are thin and short and my eyelashes are just starting to grow back. Last week I had surgery to place the expanders to stretch my muscle before getting real implants. So, I hurt, and I don't have a lot of strength. I sleep when I can get it. Three days a week Gideon goes to day care at the high school so I can get things done and, if I'm lucky, get extra sleep.

I haven't spoken to my parents in nearly two years. August of 2014, during a visit to NY with Ginny and her family, we had a blow-out. Last week we all got thankfulness letters from her and I guess it was enough for Patrick and Ginny because both of them have made contact. I wasn't going to but my therapist thinks I should write my own and follow it with what I want to be thankful for (like "we can communicate" and "we are allowed to be angry") and I should be brutally honest. I wrote it but I am still sitting on it. Honestly, I just don't want to open it up again. They are incapable of admitting that anything even happened, let alone apologizing. And honestly, my letter was more sad than anything else. It was sad because she couldn't think of much to be thankful for other than that I have had relationships with other people. Sad because I am fucking awesome and she doesn't know it. Sad because she has gone my whole life with a sour look on her face whenever she thinks of me.